What's happening.
Three months into therapy. Your 14-year-old, after a session: “I don't think this is working. I don't want to go anymore.” You inhale — three months is a real chunk of time AND it's exactly when therapy gets uncomfortable.
What we usually say — and why it backfires.
You have to give it more time. Three months isn't enough.
I just sit there and we talk about nothing.
Therapy doesn't always feel like it's working when it is.
Whatever. I'll go. But I'm not going to talk.
- “You have to give it more time” may be right and is the wrong move to lead with — it skips investigation entirely.
- “Therapy doesn't always feel like it's working” is a true sentence used as a conversation-ender. They needed the conversation, not the wisdom.
- “I'll go but I'm not going to talk” is the cost of forcing it without engaging — they'll comply and waste your money.
What works — and why.
Okay. Tell me more — what makes it feel like it's not working?
She just nods a lot. We don't really do anything. I feel weirder leaving than I did going in.
Two thoughts — sometimes 'feeling weirder' is the part where therapy is actually doing something, your brain has just started moving stuff that was buried. AND — fit matters. Some therapists are great for some people and not for others. How would you describe the connection between you two?
I don't really connect with her. She's nice but I don't feel like she gets me.
Okay. Then let's try one more session where you tell HER what you just told me — that you feel like the fit isn't there. A good therapist will hear that and either adjust or refer you to someone else. If after that you still want out, we'll find someone different. Sound fair?
- Distinguishing “fit” from “feeling weirder” lets the teen identify which one they're actually facing — and they're usually fairly accurate.
- Naming that “feeling weirder” can be a sign therapy is working is real cognitive science and reframes their experience without dismissing it.
- Coaching them to tell the therapist directly is a meta-skill that pays off in every future therapeutic relationship — and good therapists welcome that feedback.
Key phrases to reach for in the moment.
- Tell me more — what makes it feel like it's not working?
- Sometimes 'feeling weirder' is the part where therapy is actually doing something.
- AND — fit matters. How would you describe the connection between you two?
- Try one more session where you tell HER what you just told me.
