What's happening.
Your 12-year-old: “All my friends get allowances. I don't get anything. Why?” You realize you've never actually decided your stance on this, just defaulted into not doing it.
What we usually say — and why it backfires.
Because we buy you everything you need. That's better.
It's not better. I never have my own money for anything.
Then ask. We're not going to deprive you.
It's not the same as having my own money.
- “We buy you everything you need” dodges the actual question (you having autonomous money) — and the teen knows it.
- “Then ask” puts every $5 purchase under parent approval, which is the opposite of what teens are developing toward.
- The teen is making a legitimate developmental argument (autonomous discretionary spending teaches money-handling) and getting batted away by household-budget defensiveness.
What works — and why.
Honestly? I've never made a clear decision about it; we just defaulted. Let's actually figure it out together — what's the case for allowance, from your side?
Just like, having my own money to spend on whatever, even if it's dumb. Learning to save for stuff.
Those are good reasons. Here's what I'm thinking — $15 a week, no strings to chores (chores are part of being in the house, not earned). You spend or save however you want; I don't comment. Trade-off: when you want extras beyond that, the answer is more often no, because you have your own budget for it. Workable?
Yes! Yes. Workable.
- Owning that you defaulted (“I've never made a clear decision”) ends the defense and starts the actual conversation. Most household policies are like this.
- Asking THEIR case for the policy treats them as a collaborator on household policy, which builds the muscle for adult money conversations later.
- Decoupling allowance from chores (no “you earned it”) avoids the labor-economy framing — both child-development research and household harmony point this way.
Key phrases to reach for in the moment.
- Honestly? I've never made a clear decision about it.
- What's the case for allowance, from your side?
- Here's what I'm thinking — [amount], no strings to chores, you spend or save however.
- Trade-off: when you want extras beyond that, the answer is more often no — you have your own budget for it.