What's happening.
Driving home from soccer practice. Your 14-year-old, looking out the window: “Mom… coach yelled at me today. Like, really screamed. And it didn't feel okay. But everyone says he just does that.”
What we usually say — and why it backfires.
Coaches are tough. That's how you get better.
He called Lily fat. To her face. In front of everyone.
Maybe he was just trying to motivate her.
(closes the conversation; absorbs that adults defending other adults beats the teen's clear ethical read)
- “That's how you get better” is the parent reaching for a cliché about sports culture rather than listening to the specific event.
- “Maybe he was trying to motivate her” excuses cruelty as a coaching style — which it isn't, and the teen knows.
- The teen logs that the adults around her see body-shaming-as-motivation as acceptable. That lesson goes wide.
What works — and why.
Tell me exactly what happened — what he said, who he was talking to, what it felt like in the room.
He told Lily she'd be faster if she lost ten pounds, in front of everyone. She started crying. Then he yelled at her for crying.
Yeah. That is not okay coaching, that's verbal abuse, and your gut is right. Two things — first, you don't have to absorb it just because your teammates have learned to. Second, this needs to be reported, and you don't have to be the one who reports it. I can talk to the athletic director, or to Lily's mom, or both. Tell me what feels least bad to you. And we figure out whether this team is still the right team.
- Asking for the SPECIFIC event (what he said, to whom, in front of whom) gets you the data to act, and validates that the teen's read is fact-based.
- Naming it accurately (“verbal abuse, not coaching”) gives the teen ethical clarity they can carry into future evaluations of authority figures.
- “You don't have to be the one who reports it” + offering specific channels (AD, other parent) lets the action happen without making the teen the whistleblower.
Key phrases to reach for in the moment.
- Tell me exactly what happened — what he said, who he was talking to, what it felt like in the room.
- That is not okay coaching, that's verbal abuse, and your gut is right.
- You don't have to absorb it just because your teammates have learned to.
- You don't have to be the one who reports it.
Verbal abuse from coaches is widely under-reported. Athletic Director and school administration in writing. State high-school athletic association if school-affiliated. SafeSport for Olympic / club-sport channels (uscenterforsafesport.org). If physical abuse, sexual misconduct, or any contact violation: police + SafeSport + state child-protective services.
